Bachelor In Paradise – Live Blog and Recap – Episode 9 (VIDEO)
Welcome to the live blog and recap for Bachelor In Paradise Episode 9!
The Joe/Samantha story is coming to a head, as Joe is threatening to expose Samantha via text messages! Will Samantha be able to stop Joe from blowing up her spot? Will anyone believe Joe, if he actually reveals the texts? Will anyone even care? And what will happen to Ashley I. now that Jared has ended things with her? And what new arrivals in Paradise will shake things up?
Keep it locked right here, as I’ll be updating at each commercial break with recap, analysis and more. Let’s get this show on the road!
LET IT JOE
We open with Joe complaining about Samantha, who says he doesn’t understand how you can go from being totally into someone one day, and then being completely cold towards them the next. The fact that he doesn’t seem to recognize the irony of this statement is incredible. “To think I actually had a shot with a girl like that? I am a fool,” he says. That morning, Samantha takes Joe aside and says she doesn’t think it’s fair to him to go on a date with Justin when she’s got Joe on her mind. She says she still has feelings for Joe, and that what they have (present tense) is great. Joe is on cloud nine, and apologies for being a wiseass last night. Immediately, Joe beams about his good fortune to Carly and Kirk. As if on cue, Justin arrives on the scene, so Samantha takes him aside to break the news that she’s canceling their date. Of course, Carly is befuddled about Samantha’s motives, believing her to be a manipulator. Tanner agrees, saying that while some people juggle balls, Samantha juggles men. Jade, meanwhile, theorizes that Joe realizes Samantha is the hottest girl he’ll ever get.
Justin is obviously disappointed that Samantha is canceling the date with him, but not so disappointed that he can’t find an outrageously good-looking substitute. In this case, that substitute is Amber, whom Justin asks out with the hopes of making enough of a connection to stick around. Amber is initially reluctant due to her feelings for Dan, but notes that Dan has been so slow with her that she feels she should explore other possibilities. Good, I was getting sick of the old love triangles.
So the group is discussing the next arrival in Paradise, as everyone is waiting for Chris Bukowski. And, sure enough, Chris Bukowski (from Emily’s season, Andi’s season, Bachelor Pad 3 and Bachelor In Paradise 1) arrives in Paradise! Joshua has no idea who he is, but knows it’s Chris’s fifth appearance on a Bachelor franchise show, which…sure is something. Tanner calls him a “Bachelor legend”, although I’m not entirely certain that’s a good thing, particularly when you’ve never been The Bachelor yourself. That said, I’m kind of surprised they’re leaving a bonafide drama magnet like Chris for the end of this season.
So Justin and Amber enjoy their date at a bar having a Salsa Dance Night. She notes that while she came here for Dan, Justin is a great guy. “Worst case scenario, I find a really good friend in Justin,” Amber states, optimistically. Justin has two left feet when it comes to salsa dancing, but he’s a quick learner. It also helps that he looks good without his shirt on, as Amber strips off his shirt, and they make out while they dance. Justin talks about how hypnotizing Amber’s hips are, while Amber gushes about Justin has completely confused her situation. In a confessional that’s intercut with footage of the two going into the ocean to make out some more, Amber wonders if her budding relationship with Justin might be a mistake that could cost her the connection she’s made with Dan.
Back in Paradise, several hours have passed, and Chris is opting to spend the day getting drunk rather than actually ask anybody out on a date. His date card is going completely unused, prompting Jade to wonder if Chris came here just to hang out. For her part, Ashley I. thinks Chris is “douchey”, and she wants nothing to do with him. Joe sort of sticks up for Chris, because of course he does, but he doesn’t exactly put his neck out very far for the guy. Night falls, and Chris still hasn’t asked anyone out. Worse, he’s gotten even drunker, lounging in the pool by himself, and then coming down to chill with everyone around the fire, nearly falling into the flames in the process. This dude is exactly the sort of hot mess this show was made for. No freaking wonder he’s been on this franchise so many damn times.
TOO HOT! (HOT DAN!) CALL THE POLICE, AND THE FIRE MAN
Amber is still emotionala fter she gets back from her date with Justin, and immediately needs to see Dan. She takes him aside and discusses what happened on the date, and Dan is dreading hearing it, but doesn’t seem surprised by anything she tells him about it. Amber talks to Dan about her concerns over whether or not she made the right choice in going on the date with Justin, but Dan quickly alleviates her concerns…by saying they have no connection. He tells Amber that when he saw her leave with Justin, he didn’t feel the pangs of heartache and jealousy that you’d expect from someone who just watched the woman he loves walk away. Basically, he tells Amber that he loves her as a person, but he doesn’t want to force the connection if it’s not really there. Dan states that he doesn’t want to lead her on just to get a rose, so he wants her to do what’s right for her. “Well, now I really want to jump in the ocean and float away,” Amber declares, saying that now she feels stupid for accepting the date with Justin. For some reason, she doesn’t take Dan’s rejection as an admission that they never had a connection, but rather as a declaration that she somehow blew it with him by dating Justin. So she’s pretty upset, to say the least. But, as Mikey T. declares, at least Dan was honest.
Meanwhile, Tenley is going to need a police officer or something to get Chris under control, because he comes at her with ALL the aggression and thirst of a man who hasn’t been on a date in years. He feels they’re in a perfect position to start something romantic with each other, since they have a friendship outside of the show. But Tenley doesn’t want to cross that line, politely rejecting him at first by saying that while she does like him as a person, she could never see herself kissing him. Chris tries to get her to change her mind, even while Tenley is outright telling him to go ask someone else. Ultimately, Chris finally accepts no for an answer when he realizes that Tenley isn’t going to be changing her mind about her commitment to Joshua, but this doesn’t stop Tenley from feeling really awful for Chris just the same (“It takes guts to ask anyone out!” she says).
But now, this is where things get a little messed up. Joshua sees Chris’s date card lying around, and decides it’s best not to let it go to waste, so he asks Chris if he can use the date card to take out Tenley…the girl who just rejected him. It’s bad enough getting passed over by the girl you’re into for some guy she’s only known for a week or two, but to then have that same guy ask out the girl of your dreams using your own date card? That’s kind of twisted, even though Chris eventually did agree to hand over the card, mostly because he plans on leaving Paradise anyway. When Joshua presents Tenley with the card, she happily accepts, and doesn’t even ask where/how he got it, or if Chris was okay with handing it over. She just kisses Joshua, and they start making plans for their date while Chris storms off, removing his mic pack and questioning himself over what he’s just done. And that’s it for Chris Bukowski in Paradise, meaning only one guy will now be leaving this week.
Chris Bukowski leaves Paradise!
I never thought in a million years, going into this episode, that I’d end up feeling awful for Chris Bukowski. Yet here I am.
STOP! WAIT A MINUTE…
I’m sure Joshua and Tenley are loving human beings, but hot damn, are they ever boring. Their date basically involves wandering around Guadalajara, and going shopping at the market with a celebrity chef. We get such gems as Joshua exploring his “adventurous eater” side, while the celebrity chef cooks the ingredients they picked out. Tenley gushes about how this was all made possible because Joshua “was a man” and asked Chris for the card. I still feel lousy for Chris, and think Joshua took advantage of an opportunity that indirectly ended up rubbing Chris’s failure with Tenley in his face. Then again, I’m not really sure what else Joshua was supposed to do. I’m getting riled up over nothing, probably, but I really did feel for Chris. Over the course of the next few minutes, we check in with Joshua and Tenley as they enjoy their dessert and go on a daytime carriage ride, kissing and beaming the whole way through. Good for them, I guess, but this was dreadfully dull business.
Back at Paradise, Amber reflects on how she feels like an idiot for throwing herself at Dan when he doesn’t feel the same way. And yet, she says she doesn’t think Dan really knows what he wants. So the women are in control of the roses this week, indicating that there might be a chance for her to salvage this. For his part, Dan declares that he can’t see himself with anyone else but Samantha (…um, that came out of left field), so he’s going to make a final pitch to her tonight by asking her if she can really see herself with a guy like Joe. Of course, the implication that Samantha deserves better than Joe presupposes that Samantha isn’t awful herself, and I’m not entirely prepared to go along with that notion just yet. As we prepare for the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison comes out and basically does the same thing he does every week, noting that there are some couples and some singles. He asks who’s nervous, and Amber raises her hand. But Ashley I. is nervous as well, taking Jared aside to present him with a three-page letter she wrote for him, telling him he’s a natural born writer, and it’s easier for her to communicate through the written word. Jared is daunted by how long it is, and starts reading it after Ashley leaves, scanning lines that compare him to Tom Brady. To his shock and horror, each page of the letter is double-sided!
Meanwhile, Justin takes Amber side to see where her feelings are, and she reiterates that she doesn’t know who she’s giving her rose to. He states that he felt a connection on their date, and would be stoked to get a rose, but he understands how conflicted she is. In a confessional, Amber says Justin is the “greatest guy”, but she sees him as more of a friend. With Dan out of the picture, this leaves Jared, who was her second choice out here in Paradise if Dan had rejected her. So she seeks out Jared and asks if he would consider accepting her rose if she offered it to him. She doesn’t really press for an answer, but just asks him to consider it. Ashley I. says that while she knows everyone thinks she’s crazy because of the whole Jared attraction, she insists that she just wants this love story so damn badly, noting that some love stories just need to work out. While Jared relays the conversation he just had with Amber to the others, Amber lets Ashley I. know that she approached Jared. “I just wanted you to know that I did say something to him, and that I wasn’t just going to spring this by you,” Amber states. But Ashley I. is utterly wrecked, saying in a confessional that this is “SO messed up!” She says she wants Jared to like her more than she’s ever wanted any guy to like her before, and states that if Amber picks Jared, she’ll end up suffering for another week, which she wouldn’t be able to stand. “Jareds don’t come around very often,” Ashley I. says, by way of explaining why this Jared romance needs to happen. Damn, I didn’t think anyone would be thirstier in this episode than Chris Bukowski, yet Ashley I. is taking it to Fatal Attraction levels.
LIKE POURING GENERIC KETCHUP ON FILET MIGNON
So Dan takes his sudden, inexplicable obsession with Samantha to its next logical level: dissing Joe in confessionals. He says watching Samantha with Joe is like seeing someone “pouring generic ketchup on Filet Mignon,” because apparently, nobody on this show has ever seen a beautiful woman before. Yes, Samantha is GORGEOUS, but there are hotter people there. For one, AMBER. I would also wager that Carly and Ashley I. are prettier. Even Juelia is confused by what Dan sees in Samantha, as Dan takes Samantha aside to talk trash on Joe. He tells Samantha that Joe is a jerk who’s living a lie, and although Joe is nowhere nearby, he knows exactly what Joe is up to, stating that when you’re dating the most beautiful girl in Paradise, everyone is coming after what you have. He knows Dan is desperate for a rose, but says you shouldn’t have to downgrade someone else to make yourself look better, which is profoundly rich coming from Joe. He storms over to the canopy where Dan and Samantha are talking, and steals her away while Dan shrugs it off like it’s not eating him up inside.
Dan feels like Joe is trying to pee on Samantha like a dog on a fire hydrant, and sure enough, Joe’s actions basically come across like a man marking his territory, as he stole Samantha away not to talk to her, but just to make out with her. Joe says he’s never experienced any feelings this strong, this fast. In fact, he’s so confident in his attachment to Samantha that he delivers her right back to Dan. And, really, he has plenty of reasons to feel confident, given that she’s positively aglow and giggly around Joe, in a complete 180 degree turnaround from last week. Dan reiterates to Samantha that Joe has led people on since he’s been here, and that he’d hate to see her get used by “the bad guy”.
Samantha insists that she’s never seen or heard anything bad from Joe, which is just about the dumbest thing Samantha has said all season when she spent the entirety of last week doing damage control when Joe got too clingy (and downright tried to BLACKMAIL her into staying with him). She even asks Dan why no one is telling her about Joe, if he’s really so bad. I swear, whether she wants to admit it or not, or whether she even realizes it or not, Samantha LOVES drama. This entire Joe/Samantha storyline is utterly preposterous, and I can only hope this damnable thing ends tonight. For his part, Dan hopes Joe shoots himself in the foot between now and the rose ceremony, and that Samantha will realize how much she likes him and ditch Joe. That sounds almost as delusional and clingy as anything Joe has said. Man, Dan is just rubbing me the worst way this week. On the one hand, he does right by Amber by not leading her on, but then he spends all this time trash-talking Joe only to wrap it up in a nice little bow by swearing that he’s not doing this to trash talk Joe. Just be honest about what you’re doing, man, sheesh. That was the problem with Joe, that everyone knew what he was doing, but he wouldn’t just admit it. And now Dan is doing the same damn thing. Just makes him seem like a massive hypocrite.
SOME SAY LOVE, IT IS A RIVER
It’s time for the rose ceremony, and we get all the predictable ones out of the way. Carly gives her rose to Kirk, Jade gives her rose to Tanner, Tenley gives her rose to Joshua, and Juelia gives her rose to Mikey T.
This is where things get a little silly, as Ashley S. makes a big to-do about who she’s going to give the rose to, when everyone knows she’s going to give it to Nick. And, sure enough, that’s exactly who she ends up giving it to, pinning it on him before even asking if he’ll accept it or not. Of course, he’s all too happy to accept it, although when he tries to kiss him, she turns her cheek, making for an awkward kiss/hug.
Ashley I. is worried that if Amber asks Jared, he might accept her rose, so she gives her rose to Jared first to take the option off the table. Amber is understandably disappointed, leaving her in the unenviable position of choosing between one guy she’s not really into (Justin), and a guy who she IS into, but who isn’t into her (Dan). Ultimately, she goes with Justin, telling him that he deserves the chance to continue to explore every option that Paradise has to offer.
This leaves us with Samantha’s rose, and Joe basically brags in a confessional about how confident he is in his connection with Samantha, which should probably clue is in to what’s about to happen. Yes, Samantha gives her rose to Dan. But not before giving a long, stupid speech about how much she hates being stuck in drama.
JOE has been eliminated from BACHELOR IN PARADISE!
Everyone is shocked, although Samantha claims that she wishes she had figured out the truth about Joe sooner. I wish I could say this result surprised me, but the preview showed Joe revealing the text message to the camera, and you can tell from the surroundings that he’s in the Goodbye SUV. So yeah, no big shocker here, although the editing went out of its way to convince us that Joe and Samantha had somehow, inexplicably, found their way back to a good place with one another. Samantha is probably the fakest person I’ve seen on a show like this in years, and I absolutely can’t stand her. And I say that as someone who can’t stand Joe one lick either. Tanner pretty much sums it up when he says that while Joe got what he deserved, Samantha is a “chess master spider-woman from hell.” For his part, Dan is pretty shocked at what happened, saying he doesn’t understand why Samantha picked him.
Joe and Samantha go to the exit walkway to have a war of words, as Joe claims that he never gave Samantha any reason whatsoever to believe any of Dan’s B.S., going on to note that he treated her like a “princess” (um…no?). He then claims that she led him on, to which Samantha takes offense. Joe counters by saying that Samantha promised him her rose, and she insists that up until an hour ago, he WAS getting her rose, but Joe states that if feelings are real, they don’t just change in an hour. Samantha insists that they do, saying that she was so into Joe on their first date, she was blindsided and couldn’t see him for who he truly was. She says that he was the one, until he started roping her into drama. Joe states that Samantha was just scared by her connection to him, which Samantha nearly laughs off. He then accuses her of being a part of the ruse with Juelia, due to her text telling him to do whatever it took to get a rose. She’s insulted by the implication, saying that isn’t who she is.
“What you did back there wasn’t right,” Joe says, and I can’t say that either of them are in the right here. I’m at my wits’ end with this nonsense anyway. Joe gets in the car and leaves, while Samantha goes on about how disappointed she is in Joe. Joe angrily drinks while in the car, talking about how he’ll get physical with Dan if he ever sees him again, and then reveals the incriminating series of text messages, which are frankly hard to make out in the lighting. But they supposedly confirm what Joe has been saying, as the text from Samantha tells Joe to do whatever he needs to do to get a rose, but to not get wrapped up in someone else. I almost have sympathy for Joe here, but then he angrily states that he should have f***ed Samantha’s brains out when he had the chance. Yeah, I’m thrilled Joe is gone, for that line alone.
So everyone basically hates Samantha now, since she spent the entire day talking about how crazy she was about Joe. She returns with Dan, who announces in front of everyone that he speaks for the group when he says no one blames her for Joe’s treachery. Except, well, everyone does. Samantha proceeds to give the fakest apology of all time, insisting that she never wanted to be wrapped into Joe’s drama, and that he must have thought she made promises she never truly did. Jared speaks up and says that both Samantha and Joe share responsibility in this, that they both made mistakes and they need to own up to them. Ashley S., however, is far more blunt, asking how many guys she was talking to before the show, and whether or not Dan was one of them. Samantha is offended by this line of questioning, but Ashley persists. On the one hand, she spends a ridiculous amount of time talking about how beautiful Samantha is (comparing her to Aphrodite in her confessional), but saying she has no freaking idea where Samantha is coming from right now. Samantha storms off in tears, while Dan gives chase, with the consensus in Paradise being that Samantha has absolutely no intention of really being with Dan. In a confessional, Dan feels Samantha gave him a rose because his feelings are mutual, but as soon as Dan arrives to comfort her, she quickly asks him for a tissue like he’s some sort of servant. If Dan gets played, it’s literally no one else’s fault but his for being this delusional.
And right in the midst of all this drama, Chelsea (from Juan Pablo’s season) arrives in Paradise! In a funny moment, Carly states that while she likes Chelsea, she has absolutely no energy for her perkiness right now. I really like Chelsea too, and I’m hoping she can find someone not lame, here.
The next morning, everyone still hates Samantha, with Tanner (who has basically become the show’s de facto narrator, and far more of a host than Chris Harrison) noting that Samantha is basically the worst. However, he understands how she was able to fool as many guys as she did, saying that she’s a beautiful woman, and the guys were putting “p**** on a pedestal” (oh, come on, Tanner. Don’t be lame). He states that Samantha was able to get away with this because “beauty kills”.
Meanwhile, Chelsea has to find a guy to date, but learns from Carly that hardly anyone is available. Well, except for Dan, whom Carly insists is “very available,” which I assume is her attempt at getting him the hell away for Samantha. But hey, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. And I’m guessing Dan is going to be a very stubborn horse when it comes to being pulled away from Samantha.
Aaaaand that’s a wrap on tonight’s episode! What did you think of tonight’s Bachelor In Paradise? Sound off in the comments!
And for more Bachelor goodness, watch the official announcement of The Bachelor for Season 20!
Until next time, thank you for reading!