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What Would Ryan Lochte Do? – Premiere – Photo Recap and Review

Let me just get this out of the way now…

Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah!

Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah!

Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! Jeah! and #Jeah!

E! "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"

E! “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

That being said, shall we dive into the premiere of What Would Ryan Lochte Do? as America’s Aquaman dives into the pool of life? Here’s what I gathered about Ryan Lochte from the premiere episode of his epic reality television experience. Lochte can do and say whatever the hell he wants. You might be among those who taunt him as “America’s Douchebag,” but, jokes on you, you boring and puny non-olympian. Lochte has no clue what a douche bag is. If a tree falls in a forest and there’s no one around to hear it, does that douchey tree make a sound? Is it “jeah” in tree language? He gets away with any outlandish behavior or preposterous comments because, you guys, he’s so impossibly nice. So nice, in fact, that I completely understood why he constantly found himself surrounded by just mass amounts of people, aka the Lochterage (not my term), at all times.

In truth Ryan Lochte is a spectacle. He is a self-perpetuated character, albeit an entirely natural character, but here’s why this works. Remember when you tuned into Jersey Shore for, what, like fifty seasons? Were any of those people Olympic gold medalists? Were even half of them funny? (Lochte doesn’t remember how many medals he’s one, but who can count to infinity anyway?) Point being, whether you like it or not, Ryan Lochte is a legitimate star in his own right. He’s not a reality star, he’s an olympian and a champion. Why would he do a reality show? Believe it or not, he dreams of becoming a fashion designer. Wild and wacky sneakers might not be your cup of tea, but if people are going to line up to buy Snooki slippers just because she’s Snooki, folks will line up in droves to support Lochte stamped shoes and t-shirts sporting his catch phrases.

Producer: “Would you describe yourself as a player?”

Lochte: “Describe player.”

So, here we go. The What Would Ryan Lochte Do? premiere captured in images that you should probably print.

E! "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"

E! “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

Ryan Lochte is the next Tom Ford/ Marc Jacobs/ Alexander McQueen/ Sean “P. Diddy” Combs. Why? Because he can.

Get a load of this crew:

E! "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"

E! “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

I see a tuxedo t-shirt, a rockin’ lion cut, someone is already on someone else’s shoulders, and Ryan Lochte leads the pack… the Lochterage.

Who dares to challenge Ryan Lochte to anything athletic? Or… unathletic. Word on the street was that Lochte sucked at flag football. Still, he challenged little bro Devon, who’d been banished to Team “Shirts” while Lochte, duh, manned Team “Skins.” If Ryan won, Devon would do his laundry. If little bro won, Ryan would have to detail his car with his toothbrush.

E! "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"

E! “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

Ryan lost, but I’m sure some sort of foul play was involved. I’m sure of it! I’m sure of it!

Party at his place anyway? This all plays like a high-quality home video. It’s as though someone dropped a camera on Ryan Lochte’s countertop and  hit record. Somewhere in the mix of the Lochtenation civilians is a massive great dane. Lochte got quickly acquainted with a devastating “dancer.” I use the term loosely because the girl couldn’t even manage a damn twirl. Aquaman thought she was super “sexy,” until his eye for impeccable fancy footwork turned him off. See?

E! "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"

E! “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

If you’re a dancer, you should probably, well, be good? If you dance for Ryan Lochte, shouldn’t you be, well, naked? Whatever, her loss, bro! Let’s hit the town! Let’s skip the shot glass and just have the bartender pour the Jose Cuervo straight down our throats!

Guess what direction we’re prompted to “turn it” once we leave the Lochte den…

E! "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"

E! “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

Up.

Ryan Lochte is a man who likes to party. He’s not your average Olympic champion. He’ll get in the pool every morning and he’ll swim his laps, but that following night, he’s a man on the prowl. Ryan Lochte is looking for love, folks. As we all know, the best place to scrounge up a date is a dive bar. Success! Ryan Lochte Loch’ed down a date with blondie Megan, who got a resounding “hell no” when she asked if he’d cook for her. I mean, it is the first date. Stop making requests!

To show the passing of time between nighttime shenanigans and morning hangover Hell, let’s play my new favorite game, Lochte Trivia! Pop quiz, what eye does Ryan Lochte offer up his signature wink with?

Answer:

E! "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"

E! “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

Genius. Also genius, obviously, the Ryan Lochte rule to live by; Be a man at a night and a man in the morning.

E! "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"

E! “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

Forty-five minutes worth of ab exercises, in the blistering heat, while wanting to puking makes me tired. Ryan Lochte, you’re a true inspiration. Ab-solutely.

You call him a douche bag?

E! "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"

E! “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

Have you seen “Lochte Family Bowling”? Ryan Lochte kisses babies and, like, talks to his mom and sisters. Kristin hates his girlfriends, Megan is quirky, and Ryan is the self-proclaimed best at bowling. Actually, like with flag football, word on the street was that Ryan, well, sucked. He did, but try calling him a tool after this:

E! "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"

E! “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

Superstar swimmer Ryan Lochte makes sad water with his eyes while recalling experiencing his first gold medal win with his family at his side. He can make water, folks!

Ryan Lochte loves his family, but one thing he hates…

E! "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"

E! “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

Scary movies. No scary movies allowed in Lochte Manor. None! Sorry Hannibal Lecter, it’s going to be What Woman Want (At least, that’s how I heard it roll off his tongue.) starring Mel Gibson.

In the end, Ryan owed Devon his prize after losing the flag football bet. Ryan Lochte is a man of honor.

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E! “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

Here he is honoring Devon’s car with Devon’s own toothbrush.

Thus, we’ve completed our premiere. Somewhere in the mix was a bombed date, but I didn’t think sushi was a bad call either, Ryan. If a girl asks you “what a wonton is,” you run. Well, you swim.

To close, Ryan Lochte promises that this show is going to be…

E! "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?"

E! “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?”

“…the tits.”

I don’t care what anybody says, Ryan Lochte. You’re not a douche bag. You’re a true bro!

 

Thanks for reading my Photo Recap and Review of the What Would Ryan Lochte Do? premiere!

TV RecapReviewWhat Would Ryan Lochte Do

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