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True Blood – Season 5 Finale – Recap and Review – Save Yourself

True Blood‘s fifth season finale made good on Deborah Ann Woll’s (Jessica) promise. That set must have been covered in blood! “Save Yourself” was the big battle bloodbath we’ve been waiting for all season. Nearly everyone made it to the Authority headquarters to take part in the first fight of the ultimate war. Not nearly as many made it to the credits, though!

The finale began where the prior episode left off. Russell (Denis O’hare) attempted to make his way into the fairy club, as Sookie (Anna Paquin) and company tried to flashlight him into oblivion. Honestly, it looked like it tickled! In the end, Eric (Alexander Skarsgard) flew in just in time to stake Russell! Poor Russell was made to be an ominous threat at the season’s start, but inevitably, he ended up becoming a mere cartoon of the supervillain we once loved to hate. It was time for him to become goo.

Jason (Ryan Kwanten) awoke from his misguided elder fairy blast shortly afterwards. Apparently, the residual effects of a fairy blast involved Jason seeing his parents, or at least, a version of his parents. They were kind of a bigoted, ignorant version of his parents. Unless, that is genuinely how they were. They seem just awful. Was this Warlow’s doing? The Stackhouse parents spent a good portion of the episode popping in and out to pressure Jason into joining the war against vampires. No exceptions!

Nora (Lucy Griffiths) caught her first whiff of fairy blood during her introduction to Sookie. Eric refused to let her feed.

Eric: “Swear on Godric!”

I’m going to start using that! Eric spoke of Sookie with a newfound respect. She’s saved his ass many times prior, and she’s about to help out, once again. Eric knew that Sookie was the only shot he had of saving his newfound love, Bill (Stephen Moyer). Also, he was probably in a good mood after finally settling that ancient debt that’s been hanging over his head for centuries. It was like an itch he just couldn’t reach to scratch!

I know she’s become your entire existence, but doesn’t the sound of Lilith constantly whispering sweet nothings in your ear drive you nuts, Bill? We only have to deal with it one hour a week; 9pm EST on HBO. Well, I guess it did kind of drive you nuts! Thank Godric for Sam Merlotte (Sam Trammell), who showed up just in time to shake things up. Nude Sam tried reasoning with Bill to just hand over little Emma, but Bill wasn’t having any of it. “We’ve been BREACHED!” Bill reiterated that line several times over the course of the finale. Each time, it seemed as though those listening were ready to give an eye roll.

Sam shifted into his season five beast of choice, a fly, and made his way through the ventilation system to Luna (Janina Gavankar), who was also straight up nude. See, Jeff Goldblum, that’s how it’s done! It occurred to me by the episode’s close that Sam Trammell actually spent an entire two episodes naked and he still managed to kick ass. Sam warned Luna that they had been discovered and he pleaded with her to shift if anyone questioned her. Shortly after, Sam discovered Reverend Newlin’s (Michael McMillian) chamber and concocted his escape plan. “Luna, you’ll probably shrivel up and die afterwards, but skinwalk as Steve!” Do you think that’s how it went?

Luna was desperate to save her daughter, obviously, so she masqueraded as Steve Newlin. Chelsea, the receptionist and a decent statistics student, was the first speed bump in Luna’s escape, questioning her lack of a southern accent. She held her up long enough for scary Rosalyn (Carolyn Hennesy) to show up and rip Luna a new one for Steve’s frat house shenanigans. Rosalyn escorted Luna as Steve to a news camera in order for him/ her to make a speech claiming that the security footage of his attack was doctored. Awful timing, Luna! Live on television, Luna dizzily read from a teleprompter before unwillingly shifting back into herself. Instead of simply puking up blood and passing out, as usual, Luna exposed the Authority to the entire country! Great timing, Luna!

The only problem seemed to be that Rosalyn was holding Emma as a threat to “Steve.” Awful timing, Luna. That was a massive problem, until she swallowed Sam the fly. Sam shifted back into his bartender form inside of Rosalyn, decimating her in the process! Now, this is when Luna puked up blood and passed out.

Lafayette: “I did not see that sh*t coming.”

HBO “True Blood”

HBO “True Blood”

Watching live from Merlotte’s, Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) and Arlene (Carrie Preston) sipped on his famous cajun margaritas while Morella gave birth. The episode needed a little lighthearted fun, and this scenario was perfect. Andy (Chris Bauer) showed up with Morella ready to pop. He was simply planning on revealing the truth to Holly (Lauren Bowles), but things didn’t quite go as planned. Morella downed an entire container of salt before enlisting Holly as her midwife. Kindhearted Holly set their differences aside to deliver four perfect baby girls. Once her orgasmic birthing process was over, she peaced out. It’s Andy’s job to make sure at least half of those babies survive until adulthood.

Holly: “You’re a d*ck.”

After rallying the troops at Sookie’s house and picking up Tara (Rutina Wesley) at Fangtasia, Eric and his band of misfit toys made their way to the authority headquarters. It looks like Fangtasia may have met its end, as Eric and Nora seemed to have closed up shop after digging out tons of hidden cash. Eric informed Sookie that Bill was behind the True Blood factory bombings. Once again, she’d been dragged into vampire chaos. Must be Thursday!

After stopping at the ammo shop crime scene to steal a ton of ammunition, Jason and Sookie started the drive alone. With a little supernatural brainwashing from his “parents,” Jason considers anything with fangs fair game. Sookie doesn’t believe Bill is evil, and what about Jessica?

Eric to Jason: “Oh, sweetie. Don’t be a fool.”

The siblings talked about relationships and about life. Jason woke up from his fairy blast cynical. As his ghost/ illusion of a “momma” put it, the world doesn’t owe them anything. Thus, Jason has decided not to get his hopes up about life and love any longer. Sookie refused to believe that good things aren’t waiting for them. Then, Eric pulled them over to reveal his plan.

HBO “True Blood”

Eric tied Sookie, Tara, and Jason up in the back of his pickup in an attempt to pass them off as food. Apparently, the Authority hadn’t figured out that Eric and Nora broke from the pack. Bill cleared them through, just before spotting Sookie on the security cam. He knows Eric has a trick up his sleeve.

Bill figured out Lilith’s “competition.” He convinced Salome (Valentina Cervi) that Lilith appeared to him to inform him that it was she that was chosen. At first, I figured that Bill had a revelation after realizing Lilith had been appearing to all of them as “the chosen one.” In truth, Bill just interpreted things differently. He’s still off the deep end! After allowing Salome to consume the vial of Lilith’s blood, he watched her convulse on the floor. Bill had swapped out the “holy” blood for plain-old boring blood. He also spiked it with silver. Knowing she had fallen victim to her own narcissism, she gave Bill her blessing just before he gave her the true death. The Authority is pretty much kaput, folks! “It’s not a movement! It’s the rapture!” Right, Salome… R.I.P!

Alcide (Joe Manganiello) continued to bond with his lone wolf of a father. It seems as though the two are rekindling their relationship; however, Alcide has heard the sob stories before. He wants actions, not words. Before they could talk further, Martha (Dale Dickey) arrived in a state of panic. Alcide’s one-time flame, Rikki the she-wolf, had overdosed after being force-fed V by JD.  While they used some medication his father had to force the V to sweat out of her system, Alcide realized that JD had to be eliminated. His father offered him better V for the task. Alcide showed up to the pack campfire/ vampire draining that evening to settle the score. He killed JD in a snap, before stepping up as pack master. Wolves have respect!

In their cells, Pam (Kristen Bauer van Straten) and Jessica gabbed over Eric and Bill’s newfound religion. Jessica was convinced both had gone off the rails, while Pam was certain Eric never would. Bill, on the other hand, she could see falling into a trap like that. He’s always looking for something to feel guilty about. Pam was ready to hop on board the bandwagon once she realized the bible considers Sookie an abomination. Not really, though. Pam is tired of seeing the same scenario repeat itself over and over again in history. Usually it’s humans who fall victim to this sort of thing, but she realizes now that vampires can be just as awful. Oh, the drawbacks of being immortal!

The A-Team arrived just in time for Jason Stackhouse to show off his deputy shooting skills. Along with Eric and Nora, he managed to eliminate countless guards. It looked kind of like a typical game of laser tag or paintball! Fun?

Eric: “See what you’ve been missing working for the f*cking Authority?”

After the airhead tripped up Luna, I was glad to see Jason obliterate Chelsea the receptionist first. Meanwhile, Tara and Sookie made their way towards Jessica and Pam. After releasing the two, Tara couldn’t wait to lock lips with her maker.

Jessica: “I knew it!”

Jessica, on the other hand, couldn’t wait to run into Jason’s arms. This is the same Jason who now loathes vampires. She professed her love, only to be rejected in front of everyone. Ouch, Jessica! Better luck next season?

HBO “True Blood”

Eric arrived just in time to attempt to prevent Bill from drinking the true blood of Lilith. Sookie’s reasoning bared no effect. His uniqueness, as she put it, was gone. Bill drank the blood in its entirety and met the true death! Bill Compton met the true death!.. for, like, a brief moment. He rose up from the goop looking like a bloody nude phoenix.

Sookie: “F*ck.”

Eric: “Run!!!”

HBO “True Blood”

HBO “True Blood”

What did you all think of this season of True Blood? Were you happy with the finale? Are you happy or sad to see Russell Edgington go? Are you glad Pam and Tara are more than just friends, now? What the hell is going on with Bill? Where’s Warlow? What’s in a cajun margarita?

It’s been a pleasure recapping and reviewing True Blood for all of you this season! Until next season… Godricspeed, fangers!

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