The Real Housewives of New Jersey continued its fifth season this week with antipasto, stray dogs, a crappy bathroom design job, and Milania Giudice’s existential musings. We know how this works at this point, people. Episode 1, the season premiere, recaps and reviews the drama from last season. Episode 2 starts the freak-show of the present day. Congratulations, Kathy. You’ve officially been inducted into the “housewives who hate their husband’s sense of humor” story arc club. Teresa sure put her Celebrity Apprentice wardrobe to good use this week. Caroline is basically filming the show as an inside critic. Melissa tried to sell her McMansion as it slowly disintegrated in the hands of someone who once bore Diddy’s child. In other news, Rosie is a boob gal, and Jersey boys are fascinated by lesbians, poker, strap-ons and pepperoni. Introducing Frito! Beauty bar Cafface’s own Lauren Manzo continues to wreak havoc on people who enjoy things.
Alright, I’m a boy with a mathematical physics degree. Maybe I’m looking at The Real Housewives of New Jersey through the absolute incorrect lens, but Milania Giudice has a fantastic grip on life. As she calmly stirred her family sauce, Teresa began explaining Nonno Gorga’s health condition. As it turned out, grandpa has a bit of a weak heart and required the surgical implantation of a pacemaker. Just as Teresa attempted to explain what happens if a heart stops with a pacemaker, Milania stepped in with the whopping, “… then he dies.”
Now, here me out. I’m not trying to get morose in this silly photo recap, but it didn’t seem like the outlandish and inappropriate response angst-ridden pre-teen Gia made it out to be, at least to me. Teresa sat there and listened to Milania reiterate like she was informing her mother in a peaceful manner. It all felt very existential to me. Milania understands the cycle.
He’s a Nice Little Fella! I Like Nonno!
Meanwhile, the Gorgas were attempting to sell their giant McMansion for nearly $4 million. Basically, the house is alive. They’ve put so much time and money into that beast that it is literally alive. Problem: Teresa is in the vicinity, poisoning the mind of the Gorga estate itself. The mansion can’t breathe. Too much Fabellini. Unfortunately, no one was willing to adopt the creature cultivated by Zio Joe and dreamt up by Melissa G.“On Display,” with no one watching.
Also, I’d like to point out that I appreciate Zio Joe as a dad. He pegged the kid in the eye with a Nerf knockoff football, told him to shake it off, and warned him not to cry, but I couldn’t help but think that he’d be the best dad if I were a little boy. I’m twenty-five, Zio Joe, but you can smash a football in my face any day.
Later, the couple would be graced with the presence of someone who once gave birth to a child of Diddy. The woman was announced as royalty, yet Melissa cooly shook her off with:
Oh, really? Okay…
The Gorga baby smashed on the piano, and by the way, I heard a melody. Joe Gorga stepped in to scold the boy, but we all knew what he actually meant was, “Why can’t that be me playing ‘Chopsticks’ right now?”
Then the realtor, who is apparently Team Teresa, took the woman upstairs where they literally, literally, ripped apart the Gorgas’ eighteenth bathroom like it was folded out of origami paper. Get out of the Gorga family dream house, fools. We don’t have time for shenanigans. There’s a poker match coming up!
By the way, thank you to my viewing partner for pointing out that Melissa Gorga borrowed an outfit from Mortal Kombats’ Sheeva for her interview portions:
Meanwhile, remember Kathy? She was there. The cameras captured some Wakile family time this week, as the parents attempted to teach Joey how to drive. Kathy, be careful, the producers love to edit in a “housewife hates her husband’s jokes to the point of divorce” storyline. Richie made jokes about topless girls a driving shift. This marriage is clearly doomed… (No, I’m not serious. PS- Just between us, who gets paid more, Kathy or Rosie?)
Also, Victoria has a new hairdo and she commutes to college. My favorite moment of Kathy and Richie’s college visit was, of course, Richie’s assessment of Victoria’s friends’ meal plan usage.
They look like they’re taking advantage of ‘em!
Bravo leapt at the opportunity to hock their merchandise in that moment, if you notice the speech bubbles below our favorite Wakiles. How many Wakiles do you know?
Caroline carried through with her promise to Zio Joe. She text “Teresa Giudice” a request to meet. Did anyone else notice that cast mate Teresa became “Teresa Giudice” in conversation this week? They were doing “business,” you guys. Teresa sure threw on her best “I competed on The Apprentice” getup this episode. She was going into a “meeting,” you guys.
Look who dragged herself out of the moat for her first Season 5 appearance, readers!
I should be more interested in the Season 5 debut materialization of Kim D., but instead I find myself still, even now, wondering what this hat means:
What does it all mean?.. “Diamonds! Diamonds everywhere! And shred! Shred my cap! I’m from New Jersey!”
Meanwhile, my favorite screenshot of all time has to be this:
I’m going to frame that and put it in my garage.
Juicy Joe’s advice to Teresa? If Caroline says anything at all, flip a table and walk out with pride.
On the other hand, Lauren Manzo’s conversation with Caroline involved comparing Teresa’s kids to wolves, as though subjecting the Gorga clan to their presence would destroy their upbringing. I wonder how Lauren feels after witnessing Milania’s quite astute approach to death and the circle of life.
Caroline, I apologize for that screencap, but I just could not…
Caroline chose the world famous Ho-Ho-Kus Inn and Tavern to meet with Teresa. In other words, Bravo, pay a few more bucks to lock down a Denny’s. What is this?
Things started off pretty great. Housewives know the key to one another’s heart is through physical looks, obviously, so the two complimented one another on how great the year had treated their faces and hair.
Then the conversation digressed into:
Honestly, Caroline did a fantastic job of bridging the gap without meddling, if you ask me, and Teresa nodded along pretty well. This is the most fascinating relationship in the Housewives franchise, right? It’s as though they’re the opposite of a pair who loves to hate one another. These two hate to love one another, but there’s this bizarre bond there! I remember seeing Caroline’s sister, and Teresa Giudice’s pal, Dina Manzo on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen and she described her relationship with Teresa as though it worked because it was purely entertaining. As in, Teresa is someone fun to hit a piñata with. Is it me, or is this relationship between Caroline and Teresa just, well, better? They’re not even friends! (Dina, don’t yell at me. I’m just a mere viewer. You’re an A-lister! A star! How is Grandma Wrinkles?)
Somewhere else in Franklin Lakes, an area of New Jersey this Jersey boy has never had the pleasure of ever seeing, Jacqueline and her hubby Chris readied their home for a Jersey staple… Poker Night! The two have surpassed organized platters of italian meat products and assorted cheeses. The Lauritas just filled a couple of bowls with straight-up shredded meat, and Rosie came a knockin’!
By the way, kudos to Rosie for knowing the key to a man’s heart is Johnny Walker Black. Marry me, Rosie? My pecs are nice. They’re not boobs, but I’ll flex for you!
The core of the episode, quite obviously, surrounded Jacqueline and Chris’ battle with their son’s autism. It’s a tough issue to recap, considering that this is meant to be lighthearted fun for the fans, but here’s what I’ll say.
Joe Gorga, I’ve never loved you more than during your “I want to make out with you because you’re a great dad” speech to Chris.
Also, wasn’t it bizarre to watch Jacqueline get honest and break down emotionally with that woman while they filmed that segment, only to watch the lady sit there are keep filming? There was a moment where she said something like, “Maybe we should clear out the room,” but I’m not sure I’d even be able to speak while having a conversation with a someone talking so candidly about there son’s battle with autism.
In the end, Chris surprised his wife with the ultimate gift. Through therapy, he taught his son to say, “I love you,” springing the reveal on Jacqueline during Poker Night. Honestly, and I’m not just saying this, there was a lollipop involved for coercion, I’m assuming, but the kid looked like he meant it! He clearly knew what he was saying, and if I’m not mistaken, he said it before Chris asked him to!
I’m not an expert on autism. I’ve never experienced it first hand, but Jacqueline and her husband look like they’re doing everything they can, and little Nick looks like he’s excelling. It’s a strange predicament, isn’t it? We are witnessing two parents fighting for a sense of normalcy, and the child is taking steps. I have no doubt that they’ll get there. Yet, the light at the end of the tunnel is that when they do inevitably arrive, after all of their hard work, they’ll have a son who has an incredibly special way of seeing the world, and that means he’ll surely do great things. No parent wants their child to end up average.
— Jacqueline Laurita (@JacLaurita) June 10, 2013
Look at that kid. Does Nicholas get paid for cuteness? Nick, just a piece of advice, Housewives love to sue each other. If you’re not getting paid more than Kathy but a little less than Rosie, sue.
What did you think of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Season 5 Episode 2? Do you appreciate how candid Jacqueline is with her journey towards her son’s recovery? Do you appreciate the relationship between the Jersey head honchos, Teresa and Caroline? Wasn’t it awesome to see Melissa not have a care in the world regarding who that woman was knowing the girl would claw apart her home on camera? Does Milania get paid?
Thanks for reading my Photo Recap and Review of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Season 5 Episode 2! I hope you enjoyed it! Readers, hit the comments or, better yet, tweet me your reactions to the episode @JoeTranch! I love your feedback, and we know the Housewives are important.