New Girl – Bully – Recap

As expected, New Girl ups the hilarity with one juicy one-liner after another.

“Did you canoe on my body river?” Schmidt asks after a rousing roll in the hay with Jess’ friend, Cece. They’ve been hooking up for a while now, and tonight, they had to dodge Jess, Nick, and Winston left and right. This is simply a recipe for some of the funniest lines on this show. Turns out, Jess made a bet with Nick about whether or not Schmidt could land the same girl twice. I mean, come one, five bucks was riding on it. In a great scene, the main cast has some quick banter (and hysterical lines) back and forth.

Meanwhile, Jess must contend with a bully at her school in her science class. The little twerp (as I like to refer to her as) is Brianna, who crafted a robotic arm for the science fair. Yup, she’s one of those kids. After a classroom scene, one downtrodden student, Nathaniel, approaches Jess and lets her know how he’s been bullied. Well, apparently, the other kids like to toss “pennies into [his] butt crack.” He even shows her his change. YES!

Back at the abode, Nick receives a cactus from his girlfriend Julia–which sends him into a fit of drunk dialing and ridiculous voicemails. He’s unsure about what sending someone you’re dating a cactus means. He has a few screws loose if you ask me (at least in relationship land). After downing several beers, he basically makes a fool of himself–leaving Julia seriously questioning their relationship.

To make matters worse (or in Jess’ mind better), she pulls Nathaniel up in front of class and sings a song about him. Poor kid. Now he really should get some more pennies. Heh. As a result, a video surfaces online of Jess and Nathaniel. Only in this version, Jess’ head is plastered onto the body of a pigeon. Hilarious! This forces Jess to be as determined as ever to make a difference in these kids lives. “I’m gonna hunt down this kid and open up a dialogue,” she vows. OK, then.

Cut to a hilariously awkward scene with Cece and Schmidt outside. He’s basically her booty call and wants car sex. He would rather not. So, he texts Jess about a crescent moon and of course, her and Winston rush to the window. This gives Schmidt and CeCe ample time to dash in and into the bedroom. Score!

Plus, Jess discovers which of her students posted the embarrassing cartoon.

Back at school, Jess confronts Brianna (the little twerp) about the video she posted online. I missed several of Brianna’s lines, because honestly, they came at a rapid pace and I couldn’t stop laughing. “Are you barren Miss Day?” Bri asks Jess. Ouch! Teenage girls can be vicious. However, in a burst of rage, Jess “accidentally” breaks the robotic arm. Now, because of her good nature, she must fix it. She calls upon the help of Winston for some tool things.

Cut to the apartment. Julia returns and Nick greets her with the obviously wounded cactus. All in all, she was pretty freaked out by his messages (and tells him it all clicked for her) and she breaks up with him. Poor Nick! Well, he had it coming! Down on his luck, he grabs a six pack and attempts to get Winston to go to the beach.

Instead, the duo join Jess in repairing the girl’s robot…to no avail. Later, at the science fair, Brianna tries to operate the bot and it sparks. She quickly blames Nathaniel. Jess quickly steps in to take responsiblity. Like a pack of wolves, a few of the mothers ravenously jump down her throat. Whoa, slow your roll, ladies. The principal takes Jess into her office…and congratulates her! She’s now a teacher! Spread the love/hate! Back in the classroom, Jess makes Bri do a duet with her. YES!

Back to the tainted love shack, Schmidt and Cece have another great car I-wanna-have-sex-with-you scene where Schmidt asks her if she’s embarrassed of him. Aww. He asks her out to breakfast the next morning–where he proceeds to announce to everyone that he is having sex with her. Hehe.

Jess brings Nick a real plant, and we are left with them watching the duet video that was posted online. Great stuff.

Favorite Lines

“Did you have a sexual guest” – Jess to Schmidt

“Are you gonna three-peat this hoe?” -Jess to Schmidt

“Red eye, red eye, red eye. Send.” -Schmidt to himself (sending a pic of his junk to Cece)

“I delivered a lesson in the key of learning, learning minor” – Jess

“Why can’t we go upstairs for a little Schmidt and spin?” – Schmidt to Cece

“If you have the strength to turn all this down, do it.” – Schmidt to Cece

“Do you wanna watch piano later? – Nick to Jess + Winston

“What am I? Your sex dog?” – Schmidt to Cece

“Look. I want to tell people because you are the dopest, fliest, smartest, ballsiest, bitchiest, truly terrifying woman I have sexually enjoyed in a really long time” – Schmidt to Cece