After taking off a week due to that awful Hurricane Sandy and her hate for the Tri-state area, Gossip Girl was back this week with “Portrait of a Lady Alexander.” Turns out, the lady has a bit of a horse face. Also, Nate Archibald (Chace Crawford) finally realized he’s been doing nothing for about four and half/ five seasons now. Buck up, Golden Boy! You’ve got about six episodes to make a man of yourself.
Sage: “You’re friend’s poor, right?”
Nate, those are clearly the words of a high school student. Step 1: Eliminate this relationship if you ever want to be taken seriously as the head of a reputable news source. The saddest part about Nate finding out that Dan’s (Penn Badgley) next article published was the piece on him, was that Nate agreed with Dan’s critical take on him. He hasn’t accomplished much of anything yet. “Golden Boy Can’t Buy A Break,” read the title of Dan’s high-end trash. I still like Nate a lot, though, and he’s probably the only character who remains universally likable, whether you actually end up liking him or not. That’s up to you.
Georgina Sparks (Michelle Trachtenberg) was back this week in an attempt to tweak Dan’s image as a budding gossip columnist. Delusional Dan still believes his writing is epic, but hasn’t resorting to Perez Hilton-esque exposes on his friends, like Nate, kind of destroyed any legitimate buzz surrounding Inside? Georgina was looking to fix Dan up with someone reputable, like a socialite, as opposed to the coffee shop floozies Dan’s been crashing with. In my opinion, Georgina Sparks is Dan Humphrey’s saving grace at the moment. Can they end up together? Also, this show’s habit of taking its characters from heroic to hellish over the course of half a season is driving me crazy.
Case and point: Ivy (Kaylee Defer)! I championed Ivy by the end of last season, and this season the writers have been doing a great job of driving us away from her. Why did they work so hard to make us root for her? Also, Kaylee Defer is doing a great job of acting as an actress who’s acting, right? This week, Rufus’ (Matthew Settle) belongings were shipped back to the loft in Brooklyn by Lily (Kelly Rutherford). Ivy did some digging, while helping Rufus unpack, and discovered a love letter from Lily documenting the affair they’d had the night before her wedding… to Bart. Of course, Ivy sent it straight to Gossip Girl.
Meanwhile, Steven (Barry Watson) caught wind that Serena (Blake Lively) and had slept with Nate, who is currently dating his daughter Sage. How could she just leave that out? It’s been five and a half seasons, Steven. These folks have all been around the block at this point. Sage went to bat for Nate, and Serena went to bat for Nate, so Sage went to bat for Serena. Wow, that feud was squashed in a flash! In the end, Steven agreed to invite Nate to the event of the episode, a horse show, to give him one last shot. More importantly, this set into motion preparation for the moment we, viewers and characters alike, have been waiting for. Dan will soon publish his piece on Serena Van Der Woodsen. What will he write? Probably something very flatter in! Nah, but I bet Serena assumes so.
Georgina: ”I’m pimping out cebultantes for Dan to have sex with.”
Serena ran straight to Humphrey in order to cover up the recent romp they had towards the end of last season. Remember; the one Serena secretly taped? Secretly filming a sex tape is pretty pervy, I have to say, Serena. She interrupted a speed dating event organized by Georgina in order to plead with Dan. Dan wouldn’t budge. Telling her what would be published isn’t any fun. Dan is a douche, but Serena has the sex tape. Your call, everybody!
Chuck (Ed Westwick) and Blair (Leighton Meester) put their scheming brains together this week to research the tip Chuck got from his father’s former bodyguard. As it turns out, there was a portrait painted of Lady Alexander. To start their search for her, they headed over to the artists studio. After some snooping, they discovered that Lady Alexander is actually a horse formerly owned by a significant Middle Eastern Sheik. The Sheik had sold Lady Alexander to Bart a few years prior, but we know Bart’s secret isn’t his love for million dollar ponies. Right, Blair? Put two and two together; they’re going to the horse show, too!
The two faced a minor speed bump in Lily, who’d been prepped by Bart to start hating Chuck for his attempts to ruin their marriage. Of course, we know Ivy is behind all of the bad press the couple has been getting. Chuck only wants to ruin Bart’s life, not his marriage! In an attempt to fix things, Lily headed over to Charles’ hotel. She wants Bart and Chuck to patch things up. Unfortunately, there is no getting close again if they were never very close to begin with. Once Lily accidentally caught wind of the horse show via Blair, she invited herself along. Chuck and Blair made it seem as though Chuck was merely looking to buy the property, so Lily agreed to keep things secret from Bart. Sneaky Bart caught them chatting, though, and secretly followed along.
Bart had showed up at Nate’s office shortly prior to this in order to strike yet another sneaky deal. Bart doesn’t seem content unless he has everything and everyone under his control. Is all of this really worth it if you have to do things like fake your death for several years in order to go into hiding? Probably not, but that’s sort of the lesson of the entire show. Nice guy Nate knew not to trust Bart, well enough. Bart left the office with one last dig. He mentioned Nate’s “imminent” success based off of his father’s “inventive” knack for numbers. We remember The Captain as the fraud who went to jail for exactly the opposite. Low blow, man. Leave Nate Archibald alone! The guy’s lip still hasn’t healed from that time Chace Crawford allegedly fell on his face last winter!
Nate made a desperate phone call to an unlikely source, Ivy! Remember when Ivy worked for The Spectator? After chatting about how awful Lily is, Ivy agreed to start working as Nate’s site’s “Dan” as opposed to sending tips to Gossip Girl. Hey, whatever happened to Rufus and Lily’s secret son we met a few seasons back? Poof! He’s gone! Does Ivy really mean it when she says she cares about Rufus?
After humorously discussing Serena’s sex life, she and Steven made their way to the horse show with Sage. Conveniently, Serena left out the sex tape shenanigans. Nate arrived late but seemed to make a better second impression on Steven. Not getting punched is a good sign, I think! The bromance started blossoming just in time for Ivy’s anti-Lily post to go up on his site. Unfortunately, the article also dragged Steven into the mix, unbeknownst to Nathaniel.
Over on the other side of the horse show, Blair and Chuck worked super hard to ditch Lily, who remained clueless. After Blair took a bullet for him by dragging Lily away, Chuck headed for the stables to meet with the Sheik’s daughter. Under the pretense of buying her horse, Chuck attempted to dig for info on Bart. Unfortunately, Bart cut in before he could get any. Make that, Uncle Bart. Chuck knew he was dead in the water when he heard the girl refer to Bart like that. Blair, however, wasn’t ready to give up. In a last ditch effort, she pulled the girl aside and managed to convince her that Chuck is good and Uncle Bart is bad. Would it work? Of course! This is Gossip Girl!
Lily didn’t seem the least bit phased when news broke that she had slept with Steven. Steven seemed pretty pissed at the gossip. Only, it actually turned out to be the truth, he was just too wasted to remember Lily. Lily kept it all a secret in an attempt to preserve Serena’s relationship. Serena was rightfully grossed out.
Nate pulled the story and apologized to Sage. He never proofread anything so he was oblivious to her father’s involvement. I’m pretty sure at this point that Steven will actually end up benefiting Nate as opposed to Serena. Nate already cited him as a business inspiration and he needs a mentor/ partner. I’m pretty sure Serena will not end up with Matt from 7th Heaven. No, that reference will never get old. If Serena could attempt to get over the image of her father and Lily, Sage could give Nate another shot.
Later, Nate filed for another loan with new financial information and was approved. What a successful guy! Not so fast, though. As it turns out, Bart Bass secretly cosigned the loan in an attempt to run The Spectator. He wants the opportunity to post positive fluff about his relationship. Nate would never go for that. Plus, Bart’s so slimy.
The Sheik’s daughter ventured to The Empire in an attempt to talk with Chuck. Following Blair’s advice, she did her own research. The horses Bart bought and promised to send to greener pastures actually never ended up on a farm. Glue?! In exchange for this peace of mind, she revealed the truth about her father’s company. They own oil fields in Sudan, a country with which the USA has an embargo on oil trade. Therefore, Bart illegally purchased oil using the horses as a coverup and went into hiding, not to protect Lily and Chuck, but to save himself from going to federal prison. Just like that, Chuck Bass has his win.
The episode closed with Serena deleting the sex tape from her phone. Who keeps a sex tape on their phone? Especially you, Serena! People would kill to get their hands on your cell. As it turns out, Georgina managed to acquire the tape from Serena just in time. This is what will ruin her relationship. Lily got an ultimatum from Bart, banning her from seeing Chuck. Rufus appears to really want to build a life with Ivy *cringe*. Also, Dan ran to Blair for a place to stay and a true friend.
I still enjoy this show.
What did you all think of the episode? Are you Team Ivy or Team Lily? Will Steven and Serena work out? What will become of Dan Humphrey? Do these people realize Gossip Girl is over them? How will Gossip Girl end?