Gossip Girl kicked off its sixth and final season tonight by pummeling right through familiar territory (Serena is missing?! Must be a season premiere.) However, the show has made it clear with “Gone Maybe Gone” that with a shortened ten episode run for season 6, things will be shuffling along quickly. It was only episode one, and yet, we’ve already ruined a wedding, a friendship, a relationship, etc. There were diamonds and there was sex. Some sex was gross. Gossip Girl, the woman not the show, is just over it.
The episode opened four months prior in Monte Carlo. We caught up with Chuck (Ed Westwick) and Blair (Leighton Meester) as they had yet another romp in the sack post-feuding/warring/splitting. I know the creators have promised a season of friendship rather than romance, and quite honestly, I’m ready for that.
Jumping ahead to the present, we got our first glimpses of dynamic duo Dan (Penn Badgley) and Georgina (Michelle Trachtenberg) meandering around the streets of Italy. As it turns out, Dan did go to Italy but decided to work with Georgina to write the follow-up to his successful novel. Georgina the Great has rules, though. This time, they’re using real names along with all of her insider info. Also, she insists on Dan using a typewriter. Technology means hackers, and the mind of Georgina Sparks is one of a kind. No computer geek gets her memories for free. Please, let this be the season we’ve all been waiting for. Let this be the season of Georgina Sparks!
Apparently, Chuck and Blair decided it best to spend the summer apart from one another. There were many references to “the pact” before we were clued into what it truly meant. With Blair in Paris working on her fashion line, she snacked on cakes and chatted up a french business partner, Jean Pierre. There were two Olsen twins working on The Row, so Blair has to work double-time to get things done fast. In the meantime, Chuck was snooping his way around Dubai. Hints and tips lead him to an old business partner of Bart’s; however, no company records had any plans for Dubai. If Chuck is going to destroy his crappy father like a decent socialite, he’ll have to dig around the whole world for any sort of secrets that could ruin him.
Back in Manhattan, Nate (Chace Crawford) was tinkering away at his failure of a newspaper. Hoping to revive The Spectator to all of its former glory on his own, Nate readied the ultimate weapon. He had footage of Gossip Girl from surveillance tapes. In case you forgot, I believe Nate’s partnership with the Gossip Girl peaked somewhere around the time Serena Van Der Woodsen (Blake Lively) ruined everything for everyone last season. I guess, Nate and GG kind of keep in touch nowadays? I like Nate.
Around this time, news started to spread of what the first half of the episode truly surrounded. Lily (Kelly Rutherford) and Bart arrived home to a disaster of an apartment. Apparently, Serena had been missing for months on end without so much as even a question from Lily.
Like that scene from One Hundred and One Dalmatians where the dogs sound the twilight bark and alert their entire UK network about the dognapped puppies, Lily started the phone chain heard around the world. Word reached Blair in Paris, Nate in his office, Chuck in the UAE, and even Dan in Italy. Dan, who had been dodging Blair’s calls after getting a bucket of pig’s blood dumped on him during last season’s finale, let Georgina handle the call. B blabbed and blabbed and blabbed until Georgina let it be known that she heard every word surrounding the latest Upper East Side drama. Serena’s probably OD’ing on some train, and they need an end to their book.
Seriously, though, Serena was OD’ing on some train just a few months prior. Then she vanished. This is the last season, and it’s clear the writers are revisiting some very much already-visited territory. How many times can Serena cheat death? Gossip Girl ichatted with silly Nate. “SVDW is dead.” Blake Lively wishes, right?
Like bats out of Hell, the whole crew flew back to their headquarter’s a.k.a. Lily’s place. Chuck brought his lady friend from Dubai and Blair had her frenchman in tow. Jealousy! We, however, know that in ten episodes they don’t have time to ruin Chuck and Blair again. What about “the pact,” though? This sounds more “Nicholas Sparks” than Gossip Girl. (I know, Jodi Picoult.) As it turns out, Blair and Chuck agree to become big successes before succumbing to one another. Didn’t they already try this same scenario when Blair got on her whole “I am woman” kick? It’ll probably work this time. Series finale!
In her desperation, Lily scurried off to the depths of, ugh, Brooklyn to clue in Rufus (Matthew Settle) who has been shacking up with none other than the thorn in Lily’s side, Ivy Dickens (Kaylee DeFer). I have to say, I really grew to like Ivy/ Charlie over the course of the last season; however, if I had tuned in for the first time tonight, I would have hated her. Also, I feel like I just re-experienced the last five seasons in a single season premiere. I’ll try to remember, Ivy! Nothing had been going on between the two of them, but Ivy was looking to change that. She and Lola are still dead set on ruining Lily. Congrats on your NBC show, Lola! Serena’s going to hate you for being more famous than her but she’s going to pretend like she just wants to be an average everyday gal.
Blair: ”Kidnap/ Ransom, Torture/ Murder, or Brainwash/ Cult.”
Yep, it’s season six. What else could happen to Serena? Digging through her endless boxes of junk and nice loofahs, Blair, Chuck, and Nate came up empty handed. Nate has his card to play, though. He decided to blackmail GG, his new best friend, into giving details on Serena’s whereabouts. As it turned out, it worked!
Georgina continued her episode of awesomeness while driving around with Dan. I really like these two together! She knows Serena at her worst better than anyone. According to her, Serena’s wasted on drugs somewhere or already committed to some mental hospital. Things changed fast, though, as the two ended up crossing paths with the three amigos at a gas station. Thus, the whole damn crew went on the hunt for Serena, dead or alive but probably dead. Oh, and Blair Waldord made a Country Strong reference. How many Gossip Girl fans out there hauled their asses off to a screening of Country Strong? Just me?
Much to Sparks’ (Georgina not Nicholas) dismay, they found Serena in a beautiful mansion. Seriously, I think it was in Snooki’s hometown. It has to be a cult. There’s no way Serena hasn’t been abducted by a sophisticated cult! Alas, Serena Van Der Woodsen spent the summer canoodling with none other than Matt Camden from 7th Heaven (Barry Watson), her new beau. The look on “Sabrina’s” face when she saw the whole tribe show up on her amazing doorstep read, “disgust.”
As it turns out, Serena had been through enough of ruining everything for everyone and then getting yelled at, so she decided to start fresh. I’m sure Blake Lively would have preferred letting her die on the train, but she’ll take Barry Watson. Putting two and two together, the group concluded that they had crashed Serena’s wedding. In fact, they ended up ruining a very nice gay wedding by exposing their old bestie.
Blair slapped Dan for hanging with Georgina Sparks. Serena slapped Dan for being rude to her and for hanging with Georgina Sparks. Dan also found out about Chuck and Blair’s “pact” and ended up infuriated. She dumped him for the idea of Chuck in the future. Ouch, Dan. Well, you do miss Georgina’s baby Milo, right? Shack up.
Back in New York, Lily and Rufus met for tea and chatted it up. It seemed like things were going well, until Ivy showed up with the keys to their new pet project, an art gallery. Ivy played up the flirtations and criticized Lily’s wrinkles. Back at Rufus’ loft, the succubus worked her charms all over Rufus. Wow, she’s really going for it.
Blair attempted to make things right with Serena. She tried to apologize for kicking her out after she masqueraded as Gossip Girl and, as previously stated, ruined everything. She wants Serena through thick and thin, good and bad. Serena was just over it. She chose her new life, and just like Miss Piggy before her, Blair took Manhattan.
Back in the city after an awful day, Chuck nearly fell to Blair’s charms in the back of his limo. Are they just fooling themselves with a false idea of a future? Nate started a new romance with Sage, a school journalist, and lost his game with GG. Lastly, Dan walked in on the ugliest sex image I’ve ever seen on TV. He saw Ivy and Rufus in bed together.
What did you all think of the first episode of the final season? Are you totally into it? Are you as over it as Gossip Girl herself? Are you rooting for Chuck and Blair, Dan and Blair, Serena and Blair, or just Blair? Will this be the season of Georgina Sparks?