TV

Game of Thrones – Recap: Dude, Where’s My Nose?

Game of Thrones returned tonight, daring to attempt to steal Jesus’ Easter thunder. If I had to guess, I’m willing to bet that Jesus would take the black and make a fantastic Lord Commander. The season three premiere, “Valar Dohaeris,” was chilling, to say the least. Quite literally at times, considering that I needed to up the heat at my place every time we cut to Jon Snow (Kit Harington) shuffling through the boundless frozen wasteland of the world beyond The Wall. In other news, if velociraptors were still alive today to watch Game of Thrones, I’m guessing they’d be crapping their pants at the sight of that super handsome bloke known as Drogon.

 

What up, Ghost?: We left things off last season with poor Samwell Tarly (John Bradley) surrounded by that heinous gang of ice zombies and their white walker leader. Somehow, Tarly managed to scurry away through the winds of winter. That is, until one mangled corpse managed to shuffle its way to him. Thankfully, that total badass known as Ghost was there to chew that fool up, buying Lord Mormont (James Cosmo) enough time to torch the monster. “Hey, Sam, good to see you alive. Did you manage to do your one job and send those ravens out? You know, so the people of Westeros know we’re stranded in the middle of icy nowhere, and that there’s an army of really scary zombies coming to murder them in their sleep?” Of course Sam couldn’t get the ravens out in time! I’d say he had a pretty legitimate excuse, though. He might very well be the physically weakest member of the Night’s Watch, but he could probably still finagle a win on Survivor.

No kneeling, man: Who’d have thought the King Beyond the Wall a.k.a. Mance Rayder (Ciarán Hinds) would be an all-around chill dude. Herein lies Jon Snow’s problem . Wouldn’t it have been so much easier to play crow-spy if Mance Rayder had been nothing more than an evil goon who’d managed to wrangle a massive army of free folk? In other news, giants are real, and they’re good at construction.

Jon, having slain fellow mega-crow Qhorin Halfhand during season 2 finale, had earned the trust of the wildlings. Ygritte (Rosie Leslie) continued her own personal brand of mortifying flirting via figurative castration. Jon Snow, needless to say, really does know nothing at this point. He’s a little black wolf among thousands upon thousands of vicious sheep. Ygritte took Jon to Mance’s magical little dwelling. Seriously, from the outside those wildling huts looked like camping tents. On the inside, it was like the lobby of a quirky Disney World resort. The wildling leaders toyed with Jon for a bit, leading him to believe Tormund Giantsbane was the turncloak King. When Jon kneeled and referred to him loyally as “your Grace,” the humiliation had reached its peak. No kneeling, lame-o. Silly crow, only a fool would assume that was Mance Rayder. In reality, all of these people kind of look the same, ladies included.

I enjoyed the banter between Snow and Rayder. Jon did a pretty good job of playing the part of a turncloak himself. Remember; he promised Halfhand to dupe Mance and his followers in order to discover what exactly these wildlings are working towards. Mance questioned what Jon truly wanted. Jon went with “freedom” to which Mance could muster not much more than a giggle in response. Wrong answer, Ned Stark’s bastard. Does Jon want to be a hero? Probably, but he decided to conjure up the tale of watching Craster deliver a newborn baby to a white walker. Mormont knew of Craster’s dastardly deal with the ice demons but turned a blind eye. Jon, truly, was not on board with this as a protector of the realm. Mance shared Jon’s frustration, agreeing that his team of brigands fights for the people. Hmm, he gets to kill white walkers and have sex? Deal, Jon, take the deal.

Lady in Red: Somebody hand Davos (Liam Cunningham) some fast absorbing lotion pronto! Surprise! The right hand (no fingers, though) man of Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane) hadn’t died during the Battle of Blackwater Bay. He’d spent what seemed like weeks stranded in an alcove along a group of rocks out at sea. Finally, a ship spotted his little cubby. Do or die, though, Davos; which king do you serve? Davos is a man of honor. Well, he is now. The Onion Knight admitted to serving Stannis, and he chose right.

The men took him aboard Salladhor Sans’ (Lucian Msamati) ship, the Valyrian. In the book, Salladhor is a lot more dramatic. He has more Vegas showgirl in him than this calm and cool fellow, but I still enjoy him as a character. Davos pleaded with Salladhor to take him back to Dragonstone, so that he could play guidance counselor to a crumbling Stannis. Stannis, refusing to talk to anyone but the Red Woman, had taken to burning traitors in the name of R’hllor, the Lord of Light. Sans attempted to reason with Davos, fearing for his friend’s wellbeing as a currently non-incinerated yet over sun-kissed being. There was no reasoning with Davos Seaworth.

Melisandre (Carice van Houten) gazed over at a distraught Davos, as Stannis sat grinding his teeth. Wouldn’t it have totally blew Davos’ mind if Melisandre had shown up in, say, something sunny yellow? Or denim? Clad in her usual ruby red gown of doom, Melisandre thwarted Davos’ plan to convince Stannis to ditch her. In truth, she wasn’t at Blackwater Bay. Maybe she could have saved all of those men, Davos’ son included, from burning a terrible death by wildfire.

My Viewing Partner: “Eh, Team Her.”

I get it. She does seem like a force to be reckoned with, albeit a total freaky zealot. To the dungeons with you, Davos. You’ve chosen the darkness!

HBO "Game of Thrones"

HBO “Game of Thrones”

Dude, Where’s My Nose?: Oh, phew, there it is. Not to be that guy, but in the book series, Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) actually loses a big chunk of his nose as a result of his war wounding. Cersei (Lena Heady) showed up to Tyrion’s absolute sh*t hole of a bachelor pad to chat about his plans to converse with their father, Tywin (Charles Dance). We were gifted with a little gem of a story from Cersei’s childhood; “Remember that time you had a nine-year-old girl beaten to the point of losing an eye because she stole your necklace?” What, Cersei was nine too! In reality, Cersei was concerned with Tyrion’s intentions surrounding herself and Joffrey (Jack Gleeson).

Tyrion also attempted to make a re-connection with Bronn (Jerome Flynn), who’d spent his days post-battle enjoying the simple pleasures of new knighthood. Ugh, Pod (Daniel Portman), how dare you ruin Bronn’s romp with a whore. It’s been, like, twenty minutes since his last lay! Bronn demanded that his friend Tyrion up his pay as his personal bodyguard. Whatever, YOLO, here’s double, Bronn.

The meeting between Tyrion and his father went absolutely terribly. Remember; Lord Tywin stole Tyrion’s position as Hand following the defeat of Stannis in battle. Tyrion had done a smashing job of smashing Stannis’ soldiers’ faces, but alas, he’s just too short to be congratulated. Tyrion, in truth, didn’t want his old position as Hand back. He just wanted Casterly Rock, the true home of the Lannister family. Jamie can’t inherit land as a whitecloak, but Tyrion wouldn’t inherit land as a dwarf either. Tywin drudged up his disgust for Tyrion, the child who killed his wife during labor. Thus begins the entertaining unraveling of Tyrion Lannister. Game (of Thrones) on, group!

Margaery and Metal Dresses: King Joffrey sailed through Flea Bottom, protected within the confines of the bratmobile. Carried by men, he found himself concerned upon their abrupt stopping. Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer) tailed just behind, and she took it upon herself to saunter the streets of sh*t in hopes of finding an orphanage to pander to. Pure whimsy, Margaery. You would make a fine queen, indeed, thanks to the thriving supplies shipped over from Highgarden. Truthfully, Margaery made a decent effort to correct Joffrey’s pathetic treatment of the poor; offering food, toys, etc. She even managed to *cringe* kiss a dirty kid on the head.

Joffrey may have been impressed, but Cersei knew better. At dinner that evening, she sat clad in a metallic dress. As in, the dress was armored. Wow, Cersei if you ever fail at being an evil queen, you can become a Top 40 pop star! Margaery knows exactly what she’s doing, but nobody crosses Cersei Lannister. Side Note: Loras Tyrell (Finn Jones), I’m digging the new hairdo.

Game of Ships: Shae (Sibil Kekilli) sucks at games, but in her defense, Sansa (Sophie Turner) sucks even more at thinking games up. “Guess where the boat is going” was dreadfully dull, especially considering the fact that Shae actually knew where the boats were going, having been a well-traveled prostitute lady.

Don’t look now, but it’s Lord Pornstache. I mean, is there any better way to label yourself a perve, besides wearing a nametag stating “Hello, I Want to Sleep With Your Mom.” He might as well. Petyr Baelish (Aiden Gillen) might be offering Sansa, Catelyn Stark’s (Michelle Fairley) daughter, a way out. Can Sansa trust Petyr to sneak her out of King’s Landing? Seriously, what does she have to lose? With news that both her mother and Arya were still alive, Sansa hopped aboard Baelish’s ship to wherever/ who cares. From the sidelines, Shae and Ros (Esme Biano) watched as the two whispered. Both have Sansa’s back. Ros, of course, came from Winterfell with Sansa, having watched her grow up. Wonder whore powers activate!

HBO "Game of Thrones"

HBO “Game of Thrones”

Bodies, gross: Robb (Richard Madden) found himself totally skeeved out post-discovering hundreds upon hundreds of dead Northmen. Ugh, ever since his mother let Jamie Lannister free in hopes of securing her daughters, everything had gone to hell in a hand basket for Robb. His men were beginning to doubt his priorities and his capabilities. Well, there’s no better way to win back respect than imprisoning your own mother!

HBO "Game of Thrones"

HBO “Game of Thrones”

Men Don’t Need Nipples: It’s a bird… it’s a plane… My bad, I forgot we’re in Westeros. Well, slightly east of Westeros to be precise. No planes, just dragons. Holy crap, Drogon is so scary that I want to hug him. Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Clarke) watched from her ship’s deck as Drogon put every hibachi chef I’ve ever seen in action to shame, flinging, winging, and scorching a fish for lunch in one fell swoop. He is now the equivalent of an angst ridden teen. Under the watch of Ser Jorah Mormont (Iain Glen), Dany had set sail for Astapor, a pretty tow-up city among the circle known as Slaver’s Bay. With her newly acquired riches, the Khaleesi had every intention of buying herself an army. Slight moral dilemma; she doesn’t believe in slavery, and neither does anyone in Westeros. Remember why Ser Jorah was exiled in the first place? This is like a recovering alcoholic suggesting that his (fantasy) lady-friend invest in some whiskey on her way to the beer pong world championship. Go for it, Stormborn!

The city was a stark shade of nothingness, so, of course, Dany showed up rockin’ a royal blue get-up. The slave trader introduced her to the Unsullied, a group of eunuch slave soldiers conditioned from the age of five to be the most ruthless warriors alive. Are they even alive? One barely flinched when the trader cut off his nipple to prove their toughness. Dany cringed appropriately. I enjoyed watching the slave driver using his slave to “translate” his Valyrian into the common tongue, knowing that Dany, indeed, understands Valyrian. Go ahead and call the (possibly) loony dragon girl a “whore from Westeros.” Go ahead. Dany also wasn’t too keen on the idea that all eight-thousand soldiers were ordered to kill an innocent newborn to prove their unwavering sense of duty. She’s a “mother,” remember.

Torn, Dany and Jorah went for a stroll to discuss the matter. Among the city of slaves, Dany came across a little girl looking to play ball. After attempting to twist the ball open, as instructed, Khaleesi found herself knocked to the ground by a cloaked stranger. While Jorah held him off, she watched as an absolutely hideous looking bug, a shiny green scorpion of sorts, crawled from the toy. *Squash* the hooded man saved Khaleesi from a death by bug. I mean, that would have been anticlimactic. The warlocks of Qarth had attempted a hit on Daenerys! Get over it, nerds, you lose! Better luck next dragon. Surprise! It’s Ser Barristan Selmy (Ian McElhinney), the ridiculously competent old knight who was dismissed by Joffrey (out of fear of him being too just). After an, eh, decent apology for not protecting her father and for serving Robert Baratheon afterwards, Dany found herself with a new member of her Queen’s Guard.

HBO "Game of Thrones"

HBO “Game of Thrones”

 

What did you all think of the Season 3 Premiere of Game of Thrones? Is this going to be the best season ever? Did you miss Arya and Jamie this week? Will Season 3 do “A Storm of Swords” justice?

Thanks for reading my Recap and Review of Game of Thrones, Season 3 Premiere, Episode 1, “Valar Dohaeris”!

TV Game of ThronesRecap

Got Something to Add?