Reality TV

Bachelor In Paradise – Live Blog and Recap – Episode 3 (VIDEO)

Welcome to the live blog and recap for Episode 3 of Bachelor In Paradise!

This week, the women are in charge, as the men are now the ones in danger of going home during the rose ceremony!

But there are new arrivals coming this week! Country boy Joe from Kaitlyn’s season is on the way, and it’s looking like he’s going to create some wild drama of his own! Will the couples that have already been established find themselves in danger with the new men arriving? Who can handle the pressure and who will fall apart amid all the drama?

Keep it locked right here, as I’ll be updating at each commercial break with recap, analysis and more. Let’s get this show on the road!

Bachelor In Paradise - Live Blog and Recap - Episode 3 (VIDEO)

“THIS IS ACTUALLY HELL, NOT PARADISE”

Alright, first and foremost, we need to talk about these opening credits. We get a cheesy beach montage of each of the cast mates set to the world’s corniest cover of “Almost Paradise”. On the one hand, I love that the show is taking a tongue-in-cheek approach to the entire season, openly making fun of themselves and the borderline farcical nature of this series as a whole. On the other hand, the show itself seems to be played straight, which creates a bit of a tonal disconnect. Then again, this isn’t exactly Shakespeare, so who cares about an even narrative tone on a show about people banging on the beach?

Anyway, Lauren is a Hot Mess Express, crying and despairing of her situation. “This is actually Hell, not Paradise,” she cries to Ashley, her sister. “This is my personal Hell.” Of course, Ashley I. isn’t having any of this, claiming that Lauren is doing nothing but embarrassing her. Apparently, Lauren has decided to mentally checkout on this season until Joshua from Kaitlyn’s season gets here. But we have no idea when that’ll be, so there isn’t much else for her to do but complain about her crummy situation. Or, you know, actually try to make the most of it. But that clearly isn’t a priority for her at all, and I find myself agreeing with Jonathan when he states that it’d be kind of unfair if Lauren manages to outlast some of the other girls who are actually here to find love.

So we get a round-robin of relationship drama, as JJ openly pities Tenley for liking him, in a rare, self-effacing moment, while Ashley I. drones on about how in love she is with Jared. You know, I genuinely worry about the day Ashley I. gets sent home, because I expect the show will be about only a third as entertaining without the iSisters. Speaking of which, Lauren is still a mess of tears, blowing her nose during a confessional and making note of all the “boogers” in her tissue. Ashley I. tries to get her sister to stick around rather than quit, dangling the carrot of Joshua’s inevitable arrival as incentive to stay.

As if on cue, Joshua (from Kaitlyn’s season) arrives in Paradise! And everyone wants a piece of him! Tenley thinks he’s hot, Juelia makes a bad pun about sparks flying (because Joshua is a welder, you see), and Ashley I. is desperate to set him up with Lauren to give her a reason to actually stick around. Joshua isn’t ready to commit to anything just yet, but keeps an open mind. Somehow, it appears Joshua could be Lauren’s Jared, particularly since Lauren is downright mortified about talking to him. It’s actually kind of cute, as Ashley I. is the one easily chatting it up with Joshua while Lauren is the one with clammy hands. Lauren is actually hoping she’ll be repulsed by Joshua, since that would make the decision to leave a whole lot easier. But she’s every bit as struck by him as she expected to be, blanking for a moment and then straight-up asking, “Do you like aggressive girls?” Joshua is starting to feel the pressure, because he has a date card he needs to utilize. More troubling still, he came on the week where the girls have the power, which prompts me to wonder: do Ashley and her sister each get one rose to give out? What if Ashley wants to give her rose to one guy while Lauren wants to give it to another? Does Ashley outrank Lauren by virtue of having actually been on a Bachelor show before? I’m genuinely interested on how this is going to work.

THE NUCLEAR CODES TO AN INSANE ASYLUM

JJ is irked by Joshua’s presence, as he represents a threat to the status quo. He states that giving Joshua a date card is like “giving the nuclear codes to an insane asylum.” Sure enough, Joshua utilizes his date card on the woman JJ has been “in a relationship” (his words) with for the past few days. Yes, Joshua asks out Tenley, and Tenley is thrilled to accept. This breaks Lauren’s heart right down the middle, showing us what would have happened in an alternate universe where Jared said no to Ashley I’s date proposal. For his part, JJ shows maturity over the whole situation, saying that Tenley deserves to be happy, whether it’s with him or not. “But…really?” he adds at the end, by way of defaming Joshua a bit.

But back to the iSisters, as Lauren starts packing her bags, bitter that Joshua didn’t ask her out. She basically feels like this was her one chance to win him over, and she’s failed. Ashley I. has a complete meltdown, begging her sister not to leave her here alone, as if she’s somehow compelled to stay here at all. Seriously, all ya’ll can leave whenever you want, you know. But alas, Ashley I.’s pleas fall on deaf ears, as Lauren leaves with all her baggage (both kinds) while Ashley I. says a pained, passive-aggressive farewell. In a moment that shouldn’t be as funny as it is, Lauren bails on Paradise and waves farewell…and absolutely nobody cares. Mikey T. shrugging his shoulders and saying “Oh well” is kind of hilarious, although I do feel bad for Ashley I., who’s sobbing up a storm in her bungalow. But, to reiterate, you don’t have to be there, Ashley.

Anyway, it appears I spoke too soon about JJ’s maturity, as he talks a lot of smack on Joshua, saying that if he’s a catch, he must be a carp or some other sort of fish that lives in the dredges of the ocean. He thinks of Tenley as a Disney princess, but says he’s never seen a Disney movie that ends with a blacksmith getting the girl. JJ says he’d bet all his money that he gets the rose before Joshua, adding that putting a date in Joshua’s hands is like putting a grenade in the mouth of a man with no arms. You know, for a guy who insists Joshua isn’t competition, he seems super irked about Joshua taking out Tenley. In fact, he should be a bit more worried about the newest competition in Paradise, as Joe (from Kaitlyn’s season) arrives in Paradise!

LET IT JOE

…On second thought, maybe JJ shouldn’t be so worried. Joe has a date card, but no apparent personality to go with it. Everyone has heard so much about how funny Joe is, but he just sits there, awkwardly, saying nothing at all. Joe himself even says they were mistaken for thinking he was funny at all, as these guys here don’t know him. When he finally does talk to one of the girls, it’s to insult Clare by saying this is her “second rodeo” at Paradise. Clare goes off on her own to cry, and we get the return of CLARE’S RACCOON!

The editors basically edit the scene to make it seem like Clare is spilling her heart out to this raccoon, in an amusing callback to last season. “I think of you as a real friend!” she states, as we see the raccoon opening a bottle of wine, and I wish I could say I was making this up. I mean, I can understand why they edited it this way, but I have to say, I’d have liked to see whom Clare was really talking to in that scene, if only because I like knowing who’s close with who in Paradise. But then again, I would imagine we’ll eventually be able to infer who she was talking to — just find the person who seems like her best friend out there. That said, I have no idea right now who that’d be except maybe Tenley.

The consensus around Paradise is that Joe is painfully awkward and kind of a dick. Right now, the only thing about Joe anyone cares about is when he’s just going to pick one of them for that date card he has. He asks a group which one of them wants to go horseback riding with him, and Juelia agrees to go, prompting everyone to wonder if that even counts as a date proposal or not. Jonathan is annoyed as hell, since he finally had something going with Juelia. He’s so irked, in fact, that he hopes Juelia has a terrible time, and Joe falls off the horse and breaks his leg. The jealousy and thirstiness is strong in Paradise!

Case in point, Tenley seems absolutely enamored with Joshua, getting drunk with him at dinner and then giggling like a schoolgirl when talking about how handsome and strapping he is. They end up comparing hand sizes, and then calls him a “big bear of a man,” which sends them both into giggle fits. It’s a completely innocent night out, but also kind of ridiculous and uneventful. Then again, not everything can have the nonstop craziness of the iSisters.

Back at Paradise, JJ won’t shut the hell up about how Joshua isn’t a threat, and how Joshua has no game. In fact, the moment Joshua gets back with Tenley, he drunkenly steals her away while insulting Joshua in the process, asking if she’s ready for “a real one-on-one”. Once they’re alone, he starts making out with her in a horndog, “claiming my territory” moment that contrasts with the endearing sentimentality of his confessionals, in which he states everyone should have a Tenley in their lives, and that the word “sweetheart” was invented for her. However, we’re right back to gross confessionals in a matter of seconds: “There’s a reason Joshua doesn’t have sex that often, and there’s a reason I’m a little more successful on that front.” Of course, this is contrasted with a scene of Tenley going off to Joshua’s room and making out with him while JJ retires to bed. Surely, this will enter the pantheon of great love triangles, right up there with Brennan/Booth/Hannah.

JUELIA CHILD

On the beach, Juelia pours her heart out to Jared, saying she doesn’t want to waste her time in Paradise if she’s not going to find someone she can be in a real relationship with, because she has a daughter back at home whom she misses dearly. Jared sympathizes with Juelia, and while this has been an episode that’s fairly light on screentime for the guy, I can see Jared’s appeal. The fact that we don’t really hear him talk during this scene tells me he’s a listener, which probably explains why people view him as such a charming conversationalist. Regardless, he comes across as a good guy. That said, I do think Juelia should probably go home to her child, because I just don’t think someone so sweet will be able to find a real connection in this kennel of horn dogs. Least of all with Joe, who arrives to pick her up for their date.

Back at Paradise, Joshua turns from sweet guy to complete jackass, bragging about slipping girls drugs (more importantly, “Molly”). Mikey T. is furious to hear him talking like this, because he views Tenley as a sister. He goes straight to Tenley and tells her what Joshua has been saying, since he has a little sister himself and feels it’s his responsibility to warn her. Naturally, Tenley is bummed out about it, and breaks down in tears, saying she doesn’t waste her time on someone who isn’t right for her. She doesn’t know how she’s going to talk to Joshua about this, or if she even should. Honestly, I don’t see a way for the conversation to end well anyway. Don’t get me wrong though, it’s definitely a conversation that’s going to happen. Because drama, but also because…well, every story has two sides. Maybe Joshua is a dick, and maybe he’s just showing off. Tenley owes it to herself to get to the bottom of this.

Carly and Kirk, meanwhile, talk about the Joe/Juelia situation, as Kirk feels that Joe is simply “a guy’s guy” who treats the girls the same way he’d treat the dudes. However, Carly feels Juelia deserves to find someone more mature, noting that she’s here for the right reasons: to find a father for her daughter back at home.

On their date, Juelia and Joe don’t appear to be interacting at all. Juelia is so sweet and gorgeous, a palm tree could probably make a connection with her, so what is Joe waiting for?! Bless her heart, Juelia appears to be into Joe despite his quiet nature, as their horseback riding is intercut with her confessional about wanting to show him a looser, more carefree side. Back in Paradise, Jonathan is even more annoyed now about Joe’s presence, once again stating that he hopes Joe falls off the horse, breaks his leg, and goes home. Hot damn, Jonathan! Take it down a notch!

But back to the date, as Joe actually comes out of his shell, toasting to “a perfect date with the perfect person”, and telling Juelia he loves kids, and he’s looking forward to being a father. Of course, Juelia is surprised to find that Joe already knows she has a child, as if she didn’t reveal that information during her time on The Bachelor. Joe tells Juelia he admires her for her risk-taking, noting that she’s willing to take the chance to leave her life behind to come here and find love, and that he respects her being here for the right reasons. Okay, I spoke too soon. These two have a serious connection. They take a “leap of faith” off a cliff, and then kiss under a waterfall, with Juelia declaring that Joe is “definitely” getting her rose. Well, time to quit complaining about Joe and get to work, Jonathan.

MOLLY ON THE SHORE

Tenley confronts Joshua, who seems blindsided by this entire line of questioning, denying that he’s ever really been that big into partying. Tenley then drops the bombshell, saying she knows about the Molly. Joshua admits he was into that during a bachelor party, but that’s all. Ultimately, Tenley leaves the meeting conflicted, as she feels Joshua still isn’t being totally honest with her. In her pain, she seeks out JJ, whom she feels she knows better.

Joe and Juelia return from their date, and she can’t stop gushing about what a great time she had. But Joe looks bored and borderline uncomfortable as Juelia talks about all the great things they got to do on their date. On the one hand, Carly is happy for Juelia for finding someone she genuinely likes. On the other hand, she’s bugged that Joe doesn’t seem as happy about this connection as Juelia does, although she wonders if he even can outwardly express his happiness at all. Somehow, the conversation quickly turns to questions of who will go home next, with Mikey T.’s name coming up. So Dan takes Mikey aside and tells him that Clare has been vocal to everyone about how she isn’t into him…like, at all. Mikey is downright stunned by the revelation, as it somehow fails to sink in. As if on cue, Clare and Tenley (dressed in matching green outfits and damn near walking arm-in-arm, which suggests to me that Tenley is the friend Clare referenced earlier) walk by on the beach. Mikey quickly pulls Tenley aside and asks her for confirmation on what Dan has been telling him, saying that he’s helped Tenley before, and he’s hoping she’ll help him. Unfortunately, Tenley doesn’t confirm or deny what Dan has said, only that it’s a difficult, uncertain situation.

A DROP IN THE OCEAN

Back from break, with Ashley I. peeing in the ocean, because of course she’s peeing in the ocean.

But this is quickly overshadowed by the drama surrounding Juelia, who’s so giddy about Joe that she isn’t picking up on how unenthused he seems about everything. Still, Juelia’s mind seems pretty made up, stating that while she likes Jonathan, she’s basically committed to Joe. However, she hates being put in a position where she would be responsible for breaking someone’s heart, especially someone as good as Jonathan. And I agree about Jonathan’s general goodness…at least until he pulls Juelia aside and tries to guilt trip her into keeping him around, saying he’s put a full week into her and hasn’t really paid attention to anyone else. He basically complains in a confessional that he put all his eggs in one basket, and now he’s getting burned for it. But this isn’t even the most cringe-worthy moment surrounding Juelia’s suitors, as Joe takes the cake…

And right on cue, we cut to a scene in which Joe speaks to a producer and is revealed to be as big a jerk as we expected, saying Juelia isn’t very smart, and that he only kissed her because he wanted that rose. He straight-up tells the producer that his ideal scenario is to get a rose from Juelia, meet Samantha from Chris’s season, and fall in love and have kids with her, leaving Juelia behind completely. He then farts right in front of the producer…loudly. I feel it’s important to note, also, that the producer is female. In short, Joe is pretty much the worst, and a real sweetheart of a girl is going to have to suffer for it, as Juelia is clearly falling for this guy, talking him up to everyone at the bar.

Meanwhile, the pressure is getting to Mikey T., as he’s still hoping to get a rose from Clare. Kirk, sadly, feels that Mikey is delusional, refusing to accept that Clare just isn’t into him. Dan notes, however, that Clare is putting the moves on Jared, which is not only making Mikey uncomfortable, but Ashley I. as well. And things get a whole hell of a lot worse when a date card arrives for Jared, and he asks out…CLARE! And Clare accepts almost before Jared can even finish asking. And this, after Ashley I. had been so certain that not only would Jared ask her out, he’d kiss her tonight as well (“I put on nude lipstick just so he wouldn’t be scared to kiss red lips!”). Ashley I. storms off as Carly tries to comfort her. She complains that no guy she ever likes seems to like her back, and that she’ll be in her 40s by the time she finds someone, adding that she’ll never have kids. Carly is doing her best to keep the meltdown in check, but this is a VERY tall order. Ashley I. even admits she loves “hard to get,” that she loves the chase, but this has blown up in her face. Of course, this wouldn’t be Bachelor In Paradise if only one person were upset about a date card decision, so we get Mikey T. taking Jared aside to ask him if he seriously wants to date someone eight years his senior. Ugh, and I was starting to really like Mikey, but he’s showing such a sense of entitlement about Clare, saying that he wishes Jared had taken him aside and explained his intentions instead of blindsiding him like this. He even says if Jared did something like that at home, he’d have messed him up.

Clare comes over to talk with Mikey, and he says he wants nothing to do with her. This, after a confessional in which he insists Clare has been leading him on with innuendos. Clare insists she’s never done anything to disrespect Mikey, and that accepting a date card from Jared in no way runs contrary to anything she told him (namely, that she came here to explore every possibility). Mikey admits that he’s angry about this, prompting Clare to state that if that’s the case, then Mikey isn’t the guy for her. Clare storms off while Jared expresses confusion on how he suddenly became the villain in all this. Clare absolutely breaks down in her room, saying she cares enough about Mikey to try and spare his feelings, only for him to rip her a new one. Juelia tries to comfort her, saying that a man like Mikey might not have the emotional capacity to say how he really feels in any other way. Meanwhile, Mikey is complaining to the other guys about how he’s lost the last bit of his pride. He seems on the verge of tears…and Ashley I. is right there with him, weeping a waterfall. This is MADNESS!

Seriously, I have absolutely no freaking idea how this rose ceremony is going to go tomorrow night! I’m actually anxious to see how this all plays out, which I didn’t think I’d be saying, coming into this season. Bring on more Bachelor In Paradise!

That’s a wrap on tonight’s episode! What did you think of tonight’s Bachelor In Paradise? Sound off in the comments!

And for more on Bachelor In Paradise, check out some highlight videos from the premiere of the live Bachelor In Paradise aftershow, After Paradise!

Until tomorrow night, thank you for reading!

GOODNIGHT!

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